Valentine Vexations
by Sweet Valentine
Summary: Valentine’s Day. In which Dedede wants Zelda’s heart, Link wants to stab someone, and Zelda just wants to get laid. In desperate times, drastic measures are called for... Pure CRACK. Inspired by A-chana.


_**Valentine's Day. In which Dedede wants Zelda's heart, Link wants to stab someone, and Zelda just wants to get laid. Pure CRACK. Inspired by A-chana.**_

**Valentine Vexations**

Everything was in place and ready to move forward. He'd calculated from every possible angle – his plan was foolproof. All he needed to do now was work up the guts to go off and set everything in motion.

Dedede exhaled, trying to assuage his nerves. He had nothing to fear; he'd picked the finest batch of luscious red roses that he could find, bought an entire heart-shaped box of the finest chocolates available, had showered and groomed, and kissed his lucky Warp Star for good fortune.

He was ready.

With one last gulp of air, he opened the door, strolled down the hall, and made his way to Zelda's room.

Now, Dedede wasn't normally the type of guy to buy into these sorts of holidays; they were far too effusive and 'gushy' for his tastes, but hey – Zelly was a special lady. Beauty, brains, and she certainly wasn't skimping on a supply of brawn, either. Though, he did admit, beauty was number one on the list for a reason; Dedede wondered if he had an ear fetish…

He shook his head and exhaled, puffing his lips out. _This is cake. All you have to do is knock on the door, give her the gifts, and wait for the lovin'…_

He'd pictured the moment in his head on many occasions; he would stroll up, being his dashing self, and Zelda would melt into a puddle, overwhelmed by his sheer attractiveness. Then, she would fall into his arms, pepper him with kisses, pull him into her bedroom…

A crooked grin sidled up onto Dedede's face. Just a few more steps, and his fantasy would become a _reality._

KNOCK.

He quickly adjusted his clothing, rearranged the flowers, organized the box in his hands so that it was in the ideal place to be handed to his ladylove.

There was no answer.

With an impatient huff, he tried again. KNOCK. KNOCK-KNOCK. POUND. KNOCK.

The sound of a door creaking open made him stop his assault, but it was to his extreme disappointment that the door had been the next one over.

"_What_ are you doing, Dedede?" Samus, clad only in her electric blue suit, looked irate.

"Where is Zelda? Why is she not answering the door?" He huffed imperiously. Samus rolled her eyes.

"Well, obviously, she isn't at home right now."

"Where is she?" He demanded, not even skipping a beat.

"She's out." Dedede's eyes narrowed; well, Samus was quite the unhelpful…er, _witch_, wasn't she?

"Well, _no kidding_. Where did she go!?"

Samus looked downright angry now. "It's Valentine's Day."

"I'm _quite_ aware of what day it is, Samus." He gestured impatiently to the offerings in his hand. Samus regarded him, then, with a smirk, told him simply:

"She's out with Link. You know. Her _boyfriend."_

Dedede's heart stopped. Oh yeah. There might have been one _tiny_ thing he had forgotten to plan for…

Samus was continuing, not really caring whether Dedede was fully listening to her or not. "Okay, I'll give it to you that you are a bold man…thing. But, really now, trying to give a Valentine's present to a woman who's already taken…"

"QUIET, YOU!" He bellowed, taking out his embarrassed anger on her. "When will she be back?"

"Probably later tonight…though, I doubt the two of them will be up for answering the door." Samus replied, indulging in an evil grin. Dedede caught on to the innuendo. _That little…_Dedede thought bitterly. Clearly, Samus enjoyed his plight.

Without so much as another word, Dedede stormed off, down the hallway, and out into the garden. A fresh layer of snow lightly coated the ground, freezing the grass and crunching beneath his feet. Angrily, he threw the bouquet and heart-shaped box off to the side, and sat on the cold, cement bench that rest in the middle of the garden.

How had things gone _so_ wrong? He puffed angrily. Stupid Link. Why hadn't he thought of him before? He could have put a hit out on him or killed him, and then he wouldn't _have_ this problem.

He sat there, contemplating, when a mellifluous sound of laughter carried over the hedge. It was flanked by a lower timbre; someone was telling a story, much to the partner's obvious delight. As carefully as he could manage, Dedede crept toward the hedge to hear better.

"Wow, Link, that's fascinating," the honeyed voice rang out clearly.

"Grrr…" Dedede clenched his jaw. Link and Zelda, back from their date. As discretely as he could manage, he flattened himself along the hedge-wall, and spied as they turned the corner.

Zelda came into view first, and she looked as beautiful as ever. Given the colder weather and the day of year, she had opted for a warm, bright red dress. Her companion had also dressed appropriate for the occasion, donning his fiery tunic. Dedede shook with anger as he observed them strolling along, hand-in-hand, laughing and conversing, blissfully unaware of all that surrounded them.

With all the stealth that his penguin frame could muster, Dedede crept closer. Zelda's hair swayed freely in the February breeze, her usual braid forsaken. The chestnut locks looked soft as satin, Dedede quavered with rage as Link ran his hand through them, leaning forward and planting a kiss on the Princess' collarbone. Dedede blustered; the skin there was so pale in the moonlight, and he could only imagine its softness. He clenched his fist, impossibly jealous that Link should get to wrap his arms around that tiny waist, that his lips should have the privilege of kissing that slender neck, those rosy cheeks! Zelda indulged in a slight moan (which made Dedede flush), lifted Link's chin to plant a kiss firmly upon his lips.

Link then leaned in and whispered something into her ear; Dedede couldn't exactly hear what was said, but upon seeing Zelda blush redder than her dress, he had an idea about what was said…

As Link pulled away, Zelda smiled, mischievously (oh how Dedede's heart ached!); with Zelda leading the way, the two practically sprinted inside.

Dedede stood there, a light snow faintly floating down upon him, in agony. Without even bothering to pick up the roses and chocolates, he trudged along back inside, back to his room.

_I doubt the two of them will be up for answering the door. _Samus' words mocked him. Oh, what could he do about this? There had to be someway to remedy this heartache, to make this evening better…

An idea struck Dedede. He smiled wickedly, savoring his brilliance; sometimes, he just amazed himself. It would be tricky though…He needed to find the perfect person to help him execute it.

After all, if he couldn't have Zelda, why should Link?

* * *

The knock at the door couldn't have come at a more…inopportune moment. With an impatient sigh, Zelda tore herself upward and strained to hear, listening for more knocking.

"Ignore it, Zel. If we don't answer, maybe they'll go away." Link's hands fumbled with her dress, pulling her back down to him, and she let herself be dragged back down…

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

Irritated, Zelda untangled herself from the bed, shot a glance at the digital clock on the nightstand – 11:23 – and made her way to the door, rearranging her clothing to make herself look at least somewhat decent before answering the door.

At first, she saw no one – the only vision that met her was the sight of Fox's door across the hallway. But then she heard a little voice clear it's throat, and looked down.

There was Lucas, baby-faced and blue-eyed, staring up at her. Zelda flushed, trying to just imagine the state that her hair was in right now, and thankful that Link hadn't managed to undress her completely.

"Can I help you, Lucas?" She asked, patiently; she had always had a soft spot for the cutie.

"Um, yes, um, Miss Zelda," he started timidly, and she smiled in spite of herself; he was adorable. "Um, I was wondering…" he trailed off, and she leaned forward as encouragement for him to continue. "I was wondering if, um, if you could come and, um, play with me? Um…" he trailed off, as if trying to remember what he was going to say… as if he were simply reciting someone else's lines. "Um… oh, yeah, um, would like to come play with me because it's Valentine's Day and I don't have anyone to play with? We could play with Snakey." He held up his little toy, and Zelda was touched, if not a little wary, but she nonetheless felt slightly bad.

"I'm sorry, honey, but, um, I'm busy right now. Maybe later?" She offered, hopefully. Lucas looked confused.

"Um, okay…" he trailed off, but didn't make any motion to leave.

"What is it, Lucas?" Her patience was wearing thin, now.

"It's just, um, I was told to not leave until you say yes…"

"Told by who?" Zelda's eyes narrowed. Someone had put Lucas up to this? What…what was going on?

The boy didn't answer, but instead shifted his eyes to glance down the hallway. Zelda picked up on the cue, and craned her neck to see who was leading him on; she wasn't fast enough, however, as by the time she looked, there was no one there.

Frustrated, she turned back to Lucas, but he was already scampering down the hall, his little "Snakey" trailing behind him. Irritated, Zelda closed the door behind her.

_I don't have time for this. _She thought, crossly. _ I have better things to be doing. Literally._

* * *

At 11:34, there was another knock at the door, and Zelda, stripped down to the white slip she normally wore under her dress, answered the door, looking quite irate; what a sight she was too, breathing heavily, with her hair disheveled and no hope in the world of straightening it out. And there was Pit, hovering a few feet above the ground, pizza in hand.

"Hey," he began brightly, taking absolutely no notice of her current 'condition'. "I was just down at the front of the mansion, and someone said you guys ordered this, and since I was coming up anyway – "

"What?" Zelda sputtered, utterly confused.

"You guys ordered this, right?" The angel asked, looking just as confused as she.

"No! We did not!" She shrilled, closing the door forcefully. The turned the latch to secure the door behind her, and made her way back to the bedroom, utterly annoyed. Was it so much to ask for a little privacy, especially on _Valentine's Day, _of all days!

* * *

At 11:42, Link and Zelda swore to the goddesses of the Triforce before Zelda managed to force herself up to answer the repeated knocking at the door. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

"WHAT IS IT?"

Ike stood there, eyes wide, clearly shocked. The door had just been answered by an furious-looking Zelda, clad only in a purple silk robe, hair looking as if she had been just swept through a wind tunnel, eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Er, hello Zelda," Ike began.

"_What do you want?"_

Ike wasn't going to deny it – he was a pretty big guy, and fairly strong – but the way Zelda was looking at him, with that gleam in her eye that made it fairly obvious to him that she likely wanted to decapitate him (or at the very least, cut off…_other_ appendages), slightly terrified him.

"Er, hello Zelda," he began again, shrinking back just a step. "I'm here about the note you sent me…"

"What note!?"

Ike wordlessly lifted his hand, producing a small piece of paper with elegant writing scrawled upon it. _Please meet me in my room immediately. It's urgent. _Signed: _Zelda._

Zelda read the note once, twice, thrice times, trying to comprehend and trying _not_ to explode right then and there. As calmly as she could muster, she responded.

"I did not write this note, Ike. I've been…otherwise preoccupied all night long." She snarled, clenching her fist, crumpling the note in her palm in the process before looking at Ike treacherously.

His jaw hung open for a few moments before he ultimately stammered, "Uh, okay, I should go now," and literally sped down the hall.

* * *

At 11:46, not even five minutes after the last interruption, there was once again a knock at the door. Only this was more of a pounding, and Zelda was pretty sure she was going to kill someone.

Wrenching the door open, clad only in a bedsheet that hung loosely around her small frame, Zelda stepped out ready and raring for murder.

_CLICK._

She was momentarily blinded by the flashing light, but the implication of such made her heart stop. Forcing her eyes to become readjusted she glared daggers at Ganondorf, standing there, digital camera in hand, eyes alight with triumph. She sputtered in horror.

"GANONDORF! _Give me that camera!_" She bellowed, grinding her teeth.

"Hell no, Princess." And he sprinted off, practically gleeful, before she could make so much as another move.

* * *

At 11:55, Dedede had decided he'd had quite enough fun, and that perhaps Zelda needed some cheering up…okay, that was a lie. He'd simply run out of accomplices, as by now the word had gotten out about what he (as well as Link and Zelda), were up to, and people just refused to help him. So, he'd gone back out to the garden, fetched up the partially frozen roses and the hard-as-rock chocolates, and made his way to Zelda's room to provide her with a gift that he hoped might cheer her up (because a gift from _him_ was infinitely better than any gift Link could come up with, he reasoned).

Casually, he knocked on the door, loud enough and long enough to get their attention, and he confidently rearranged himself, as he had done earlier that night, when the door flew open.

Only instead of Zelda, it was Link, stripped down to boxer-briefs, sword in hand, eyes narrowed into slits, and looking positively murderous.

"If," the elf began, voice dangerously low, "You so much as _think_ about cock-blocking me _again_, _I. Will. Kill. You._"

Dedede gulped, not even looking as he thrust the flowers and chocolates into the Hylian's arms, and then ran for his life down the hallway and in to the sanctuary of his own room.

* * *

At 8:00 am the next morning, down in the breakfast hall, Dedede caught sight of Link and Zelda, both looking utterly miserable and angry, but nonetheless their persons looking as if they had _both_ achieved a full eight hours of sleep.

He couldn't have been happier.

* * *

**Pure, undiluted CRACK. I've been reading A-chana, and I love her Dedede -- Zelda thing, and then this popped into my head. Not as good as I when I originally imagined it, but parts of it still made me laugh - I hope it makes you all laugh, too! Anyway, feedback, concrit, and reviews in general are appreciated, but only if you want to! Thanks for reading!**


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